Saturday, July 02, 2005

The Ashes.

England, the motherland, moist and cloudy island at the heart of my inner being is about to enter serious cricketing combat with the old enemy.
The Australians have been loafing about on that sceptered isle for a few weeks now, playing meaningless one day warm ups against made up countries and no doubt drinking far too much and being slightly vulgar.
In a couple of weeks the real test begins.
The Ashes.
For my American cousins I'll explain, very briefly the history and concept.
A long time ago a bunch of colonials with beards and no manners came to England and dicked us at our own game. Some well meaning old ladies burnt the bails (that's the top bit of the wicket, that is, the sticks that cricketers run between) and put them in an urn. They became known as the Ashes of English cricket, we call them the Ashes.
Since then we have played the Aussies every couple of years, alternating between pleasant venues such as Lords and Trent Bridge and dusty mosquito pitches down under.
This summer it's back home to Blighty.
Five test matches, each played over a few days, from late July to early September.
Best of five wins the series.
All five are played even if the Aussies beat us in the first three (which they have a tendency to do quite often).
Here are the dates and locations so that you can follow and see why I am going quietly insane as the summer progresses.

First Test.
July 21-25, Lords, London.

Second Test.
August 4-8, Edgbaston, Birmingham.

Third Test.
Aug 11-15, Old Trafford, Manchester.

Fourth Test.
August 25-29, Trent Bridge, Nottingham.

Fifth Test.
September 8-12, The Oval, London.

We haven't won the Ashes since 1987.
Australia are an incredible cricketing nation.
Their Prime Minister once touched The Queen's arse.
Need I say more?
Are you starting to see my point?
These people must be stopped.

What can you do to help? I want to start a North American boycott of Outback Steakhouses starting now.
I ask you to stop renting Paul Hogan movies.
I want you, my loyal readers to report any outbreaks of Australianess, anyone saying "G'day" or referring to places of higher learning as "Uni".
I can still remember what the world was like in 1987, before they spoilt it by making us watch 'Neighbours' and 'Prisoner cell block H'.
I urge you to help.
Thank you for listening.


Clokeeeey! said...


Looks like I'll get some sleep on about August the 13th then. Looking forward to it.
The current PM wouldn't know where the Queens arse is, oh actually, yes he would, he's got his lips down there all the time. IT was the previous PM Paul Keating that went the grope.

Mondale said...

Ah, Good Morning Clokeeey, I thought it might be you. Sounds like you let us in yesterday, should have finished us off but no, you let us in. Better think about that. I'll have a beer for you in September when you let us in again to steal the fifth test and the series.
(and keep your hands off the Queen).

weasel said...

I wonder what the Aussies would say if they knew the Queen had married a greek immigrant? Still, Balkan/Hellenic people fall within the "White Australia" points system so she could probably still be their head of state. Although that Prince Philip, being a greek and a sailor; does that hint at violations of the "No Pooftahs" clause of the Australian constitution?

Signed, One who does not feel like a Tooeys or two.